Beginning Middle End

Let’s not mince words. On balance I realized that Life comes somewhat easily in most respects for me. My trials and tribulations are often in areas where people would not expect there to be issues. So in that sense I am privileged. Although I really hate that word.

That said, I am also aware of where I came from. I come from a place that hurts. Front row seats to the destruction in which we humans are capable of. Where power, wealth and status seems to be the bargaining chips in which to guarantee happiness… or at least the pretence of it. I have also at a young age tasted how it was to be an outcast, to have none of the three and by default rejected by the high echelons of society. The irony is that those times when beautiful and unnecessary things were scarce, I was the most content and happy.

My biggest fear is that history would repeat itself. From one generation to the next and we learn nothing from it. Yes, I have daddy issues but suspect that most women do and most men have mummy issues too. Perhaps my overzealousness in pursuing what I perceived as missing from my parents’ relationship stems from my own personal experience. I guess we at times continue to pay for the mistakes of our parents… sins of our fathers.

I am not quite sure that after realizing all of this where it takes me. It seems you can only run so far before you have to face that there are some things we cannot change. I do not live in hope nor do I bow to reality. Just somewhere in between I dream of greater things more worthy than what I am currently living for.

I have learnt how pride can destroy and bind us to inaction but I also learnt that sometimes my honesty and having my heart on my sleeve is not exactly the remedy either. God knows I have been trampled enough times for it. Maybe I will never find that happy balance but I guess I am who I am because of it.

I still believe in the purity of truth and the nobleness of taking chances. My heart will always prevail over my head. But that’s just me. I don’t proclaim it’s the right way for everyone. It might even be the stupidest route for me. We all must believe in something. And for me it is the gentle nudge of the heart over the brash but clearly intellectual reasoning of the head. So there I make my bed. Thorns or roses, only time will tell.