From the north pole

I am suffering from man-flu. But let's not really get into the irony of it.

It has been a crazy year. I am not sure if I am quite done with it. There are of course a few things I would like a do-over but all in all, I wouldn't say it was bad.

There were little achievements you know. Just personal milestones. Work stuff like hitting target and growing team. Getting my own place (now if I can just move in properly). But most of all it's a year of meeting new people. The getting out of my comfort zone phase.

I didn't quite plan it this way. But then again if I did, I am sure life will make a liar out of me. 

I am freezing as I write this but that's just because my firm thinks it's a good idea to keep temperatures just nice for an arctic penguin. Happy feet be gone. 

I want to impose some sort of wisdom in the world and capture it here but frankly I think I am no smarter than when I began a few years ago. In fact I may have deteriorated. But what has definitely change is that sense of purpose. The clarity. I know what I want when last year I realised what I didn't want. 

Would you look at that? Growth. Even if it is miniscule in measurement.

Why I Hate You

I hate you. Yes you. The one with the smug smile and the all knowing attitude that what is wrong is clearly black and white. You with that prejudice and the self-righteous belief that your views are the only ones worth having. You and your brand of being liberal to the point of being the very thing you abhor. Close-minded and narrow viewed. 

Our outlooks may not be aligned. But I am entitled to them as you are. Your inability to accept me being different weakens your argument of acceptance. You were a mask of hatred and I am tired of my voice being trampled on time and time again just because you can shout louder. Hear me, I hate you. 

You do not live for anything but your blessed opinions. You do not suffer hours painstakingly trying to get a job done and wondering what in the world would it take to be comfortable. You have the luxury of time to have ideals, as unrealistically as they are. Yes, I said that. How achievable is that? You tell me we must start somewhere. Well I think we have started and it hasn't gone the way you want it to go and you are angry about it. You want to make sure I "listen". You want to make sure I got it. 

Oh yes I did. I find you ugly in your absolute nature. I find no room for compassion for others and I am appalled by the way you choose to express your thoughts. There is no room for people like you in my life. There is no room for intolerance. And the irony is, these were the things you are fighting for.

Too bad you couldn't live up to your so called ideals.

Best for Last

I think the only way I am ever going to find out whether I saved the best for last is to live my life and take stock at the very end of it. So many experiences .. some rich..and some left me quite destitute. 

I am quite sure every experience leaves you for the better..even if it doesn't quite feel like it. And at times when I thought I was left broken... somehow I became whole again. Is it resilience or simple human nature?

But these are hard times. To search through the core of your beliefs... to find the right reasons to smile... it becomes more important to give equal weightage to your heart and mind. The latter has the benefit of hindsight whilst the former serves a more idealistic goal. 

So here I am waiting for some sort of a resolution within me. So we shall see.. the next chapter comes very soon. In the meantime..patience is a virtue.

Aloof Waiting

What does time do? Blurs the memory. Fakes your emotions. The Puppet master of life. But I let myself be played.

What does understanding do? Dumbs down your feelings. Rationalise your true self. Makes you belief you are better than what you really are. The Lie you need to survive. But I allow it.

What does honesty do? Forgives the confessor. Dulls the colours of your fiery anger and hate. Shames you into Compliance in a plot you didn't conceive. But I follow it.

So much to say but words just gets in the way. How do you describe a stare? The exchange of a glance. The longing in eyes that you recognise from a past you never lead.

Listening to reason and buoyed by a norm that wasn't your making. Learning to unlearn the things that comes naturally. Suddenly out of fight and weary from the battlefield. Will you help me up? Walk with me from a land faraway to Home. There is safety in numbers but this... only makes me realise just how singular I feel.

My description of you is not a reflection of how you really are. I have convinced myself that you are exceptional and all the little things that makes you mortal I have pushed aside. We will disappoint each other... a question of when lies in between us.

In my pessimism I lock away the combination. Keep it close. What do you do with affection that threatens to bubble over? Turn the fire down.. or pour it all on you.

Like a psychic you come alive each time my thoughts crosses to you. It excites me and irritates me, making me confused. What use is all this when we have made our choices? Or have we. Is it immaturity to doubt. I await your mistake. As long as it is not Me.

You will disappoint me. I will disappoint you. Can we agree on that? Then in the meantime, will you wait with me.

The Note

Choices do not make you any more sure in which path you should choose. It confuses you and makes you wonder what is worth your heartache and suffering. This is where I am.

I have been hurt and I have hurt and I guess in terms of the Karma Bank, we are even.

But I believe in a Code. As I think the world should. But that does not make that any easier. 

We all live for some sort of reason. I have been faced unfortunately with a test that I do not know how to overcome. I sit here wanting some sort of resolution but in the end, I cannot make excuses for the cruelty of man and the selfishness of persons.

Everyone makes choices. But that does not mean we all agree with them. This is my resolution that the end is nigh and that I for one has made mine.

If this year should end in the worst outcome possible, please believe that I have tried my hardest to make things work. Given the circumstances. Given who I am. But the world did not agree. I make no excuses save for that this world is not made for some. 

May all your dreams come true.

The End of Times

I am not trying to be in anyway suggestive that the world is about to collapse and we should all retreat into our own underground bunkers (if you should be crazy lucky enough to have one). No, for a lot of people I have spoken to, the year has been one of trying, more so than previous years. Whether my sample of people is reflective of the majority of the human population is not really my concern. We have our little bubbles, little playgrounds and no one has appointed me ruler of the world…yet.

What struck me most is the weight of burden I  seem to have on my shoulders. And this weight has nothing to do with responsibility or any other type of obligation. What seems heavy, is the understanding that my purpose have somewhat been skewed to paths I didn’t quite imagine. Maybe it is for the better, I really do not have sufficient wisdom to tell you whether it is or it is not. That is the part of the problem. When before I seem to be so sure of everything, age has a way of confusing your dreams and your reality. There is an inherent fear as well that dwells and rears its ugly head when I am at the weakest point. It hides from me and I hide from it. We play this game until one day we are forced to face each other and then it’s anybody’s guess as to who walks away.

I have felt disappointment of late. With those dearest, the situation, the world, the birds and the trees which can only mean that the real person I am disappointed at is…me. But whether I am irreparable, I have no idea.

We change our North so many times, it is hard not to look at the stars with suspicion. Where I am led, I cannot be sure that there are any victors. My hope is that we do not become monotonous in our lives. That routine becomes the only thing we look forward to. That is unbearable to contemplate and we may as well hope the Mayans were correct. We were not built to be as unfeeling as robots, so in this human flesh, I sincerely hope that we are worthy of the beating pulse which courses through our veins.

Just under 100 celcius

Is it the inability of attainment that makes us want it more? 

Had I been 'normal' I wonder if life would  have just been picture perfect. I suppose wishing does not make it true and it is an exercise for fools, but you cannot but wonder. 

I feel grateful for what I have now. But the road I chose, it was thorny and filled with thieves and shapes that move in the dark to frighten the life out of me. Yes, me. Sometimes we have to park that arrogance and take a good look at ourselves. 

The more I allow the passage of time to continue, the more doubtful I am of everything that once was so certain, so ingrained. 

I cannot help but envy the simple life but I know not to wish in case you get what you wish for. 

Am I proud of who I am today? I am detached at times to my reality. Viewing my days and nights like a long neverending episode of a beloved tv series. I try not to take ME so seriously. Capricious in manner, who am I to trust my feelings of today when tomorrow I can feel something else so strongly. Changeable or in denial? Is there really a difference in the two?

What was once gregarious, seems a poor substitute. 

No doubt there is an element of being wiser and more decisive. I feel that in me. And more reserved which could be a good or a bad thing. I really don't know.

But I am avoiding what I truly desire. For fear of hurt and it makes me feel cowardly and undeserving. Maybe it is time to shake things up in this game. 

To those that matter, take care of yourselves.