Afternoon Snooze

I had enough of thinking.

That's all I seem to be doing for the last couple of months. Even when I am doing other things the triple tracks playing in my head goes on. Sometimes I think I might be schizo but that's also another idea from one of the many voices in my head.

I have been avoiding things.

Because I really didn't want to deal with a lot of new things when I have so many unfinished business. I don't like hurting people so I thought it was better to just be silent and removed from this stupid world.

We are defined by the choices we make.

I know that and believe it to be one certainty in a world full of contradictions. Hence I am apprehensive about tonight and all it may start. Sometimes all it takes is a snowball for it to turn into an avalanche. Each one of my support system wishes me good luck. I think they know the outcome of such beginnings. And they know the reasons why I have refused so far.

Maybe I should have tried harder to avoid it. Maybe I should have kept it away just a little longer. But I have been shadow boxing with myself for much too long and I don't have enough fight in me today. Today, tomorrow, next year what's the difference? If I have to do it anyway then why not tonight? I have waited enough for a resolution. Heck, I have suffered enough for a resolution. In the end all roads have led me here.

So be it. I can't take this crap anymore. I can't please everyone and I can't please myself. So I suppose in some messed up way it's fair. Nobody wins and everybody loses.

I am just so tired of thinking.

I have a few hours more... and I am done with all of these lame excuses. So be it. I am going to bed... blissful sleep. My only escape.