As I was sleeping.

In Malay we call it 'hajat'. I am not quite sure what the direct translation of it is in English. My bilingual dictionary gave three different possible definitions being (i) wish (ii) desire or (iii) intent. But in my opinion 'hajat' doesn't quite fit any one of those definitions. It's a lot more powerful than a wish, a lot more honorable than desire and a lot more stronger than a mere intent. So for lack of a better word I will stick with 'hajat'.

I have long since harboured the 'hajat' to visit this one place. Ever since I came back and even all those times before that when I was on holiday. But there always seem to be one thing or another that causes me to postpone it for the millionth time. Which I have come to realise... was me. I was scared to deal with the emotions that will no doubt affect me when I see those people who reside in this sacred place where time cannot touch them. I was scared to see the years on the their faces and witness first hand the other side of health. I was scared because I cared too much that I just left it on my 'To Do List'. How incredibly cowardly was I.

So when I received a call from one of the inhabitants of this special place just asking casually when I would come to visit them, I said I would be there this weekend. I thought why not for no other reason then to revisit my past. So there I was all booked and ready as I will ever be.

Then the most horrible of deals came early in the week. A deal to end all deals. And since I am lately a sucker for work naturally I was the go-to person. A deal which would require working all weekend. So I deliberated... prayed that most issues would be resolved before my departure. Barely slept for the week and mostly survived on 3 hours sleep. But then as best laid plans often go astray, this one went south too. There was still a lot to be done. Over the weekend.

Then it hit me. I could have stayed. Got the deal done and somehow have the sadistic satisfaction that the brutality of it was something I could withstand. But on the other hand, there were all these things that I have kept on the back-burner for so long and if pushed came to shove was a lot more important than any commercial deal. I made the decision well before I had to actually contemplate it. I was going ahead with it. Somehow boasting rights fails in comparison to the right thing to do.

By the time I arrived at the place. I was zombified. And they were still forgiving and still ecstatic.

As I rode in the car, on my way to the old family home which had only slightly changed I was humbled and wondered why I stayed away for so long.

And there they were. The three of em. Society might only call them spinsters because they do not know any better. But to me they were three women who fought life and its cruelty with the quiet dignity and perseverance that can shame the best of people. These angels, my life preservers when I was young, scruffy and had nothing.

I had seen one of them often enough over the years as the years were kind to her and she could make the trek up. But the other two, I was not so privileged and foolishly thought I had all the time in the world. So with a giddiness that is long absent in my life, I climbed up the steps of that wooden house to see them.

And there she was. And I hugged her tightly. She looked at me with such awe that I was actually there and I cannot help but feel like the most ungrateful child in the entire world. When did I become so self-centred and caught up by things which really did not matter?

And I spoke to her whilst witnessing the damage the stroke had caused. Sometimes she loses coherenceness and seem to snap back to a place I could not enter. But as the day grew on, she became more and more like her old self. Her smiles, her smell and her apparent kindness. It was all I could do to keep it inside.

Halfway through the day the tiredness of operating on little sleep just became too much and I dozed off for an hour in the room. Unbeknownst to me whilst I drifted away in this place that has shown me such love, the thoughts of my real world was distant at best... she had hobbled her way in front of my door to sit like a guard whilst I slept. Sound carried through a wooden house and she wanted to make sure all were silent so that I could sleep. I only learnt of it towards the end of my stay... and once again I could not help but feel so little.

And the other one, with her smile at the ready... the eldest of them all but the most child-like for reasons I do not want to expound on, looked healthy if not a little on the thin side. Who in great excitement because I was there, walked on foot to buy me the best rambutans she could find. As I sat there eating into them, I cannot help but think how it must be the juiciest rambutan I have ever tasted. It must have been because it was soaked with love.

In a flash my time there ended. And I find I am back here in my room. Trying to put into words the magnitude in what I felt for those brief moments. And whilst I held my ground and kept tears at bay whilst I was in the company of those quite more magnificent than I can ever hope to be, I cannot help but let them out now as I write this.

Tomorrow is a day at work I am dreading. I will no doubt feel the resentment and my own guilt for having went away. I probably won't see sunlight for awhile because of that. I also probably cannot explain why it was important at this time to have kept my promise and to be frank I don't want to. Telling it to strangers only cheapens the whole thing. They will not understand and I don't want to seem like I was justifying. Because I already know that I did the right thing. And that's enough for me.

Sometimes we get trapped in the commerce of it all. Our hopes and dreams seems pinned to the ups and downs of the stock market. Our ambitions revolves about having the best job, the best pay and eventually we yearn for that big house, big car and that never-ending supply for cash. We have all been there. But increasingly I find that a lot of the best people I have come across have done a complete 180 and realised that there is more to life than what you have in the bank account. It's all these moments that you can't put in words. God knows this entry is living proof that I cannot quite describe why I was so touched.

So if the reason we exist cannot be answered by even the most profound of the human race, surely at the very least, the hope to mean something to someone else can at least be a noble contender.

I have chased so much in my life. And I have been rewarded and disappointed in equal measures. But through it all these little women somewhere out there in the sticks, have always been unwavering in their love and support. They believed in me and saw I had potential. Even if I had been less than charitable in my recent years. So I might not be the greatest at what I do at work... God knows there have been those who have hinted at that to me..but I hope with all my heart that despite all of that, I have lived up to the expectations of those that really mattered.

Unconditional love..... that's what gets to me every single time.