1.23 am Rant

I have been screening my calls. For some reason amongst the usual people there were a few odd calls. From people I haven't heard from for months. As the phone keeps flashing, I wonder why they are calling. I take a guess that it might be the whole Raya thing. I jump to conclusion and decided that has to be it. I thought it was so sweet of them. But I don't pick the calls up. I need to be alone tonight. I just need to rest. I feel a migraine coming on, I know I'm thinking too much and that being in front of a screen is the last thing I should be doing but I can't help it.

My physical journal has ran out of pages. The diary I keep since 1998 has finally come to an end. Now I have no place to vent. I can't just write it out temporarily in any ol' book. It must be the perfect journal. It took me ages to find this one. I am hoping the trip to Napoli will find me one. So in the meantime I'll let it out here. Which is a bad thing. I cannot sift through my thoughts first and then blog about something worthwhile remembering. Maybe I should keep drafting but I was always a sucker for the beauty of first drafts. The rawer the better.

I should sleep now. I've been lazy at taking off my face and now as I step out of the shower, I see dark circles around my eyes..smudged eyeliner. Strangely I find this extremely cool. I can buy into this whole Goth look actually. Oh God my head is throbbing. The combination of watching West Wing and Simpsons alternately is a bad combination. I kept expecting President Bartlett to go "Doh!".

I actually had something important to say. But I seem to have forgotten it now. How weird. Throat feels rather dry. My sanity check has gone on a short (matter of opinion) break, so I am left to my own devices. Already I have ordered a new Motorola phone which I know I won't like. It's not a Nokia. Oh my god. How can I survive? It's the Motorola KRZR. I Hate the RAZR as I told the woman from Vodafone. She convinced me that this is different. Maybe the name should have tipped me off. It's coming tomorrow. Maybe I'll act like no one's home.

I also ordered Sky. About time. I get my own little satellite dish. "Look Ma, another horrible sign of modernisation stamped on a Victorian styled building. Isn't the combination wonderful.." You'd think they can put it up straightaway. But noooooooo.................November 4th. What is the use of ordering or getting things on a whim if it's not within your grasp within 24 hours??? I couldn't decide on the package. I wanted Variety so that I could watch the comedies, Music so that I could watch a million music clips and probably break my back trying to do a flip. News package so that I can get Bloomberg but more so for when people are coming over I can casually leave that on to create the impression I am really into the world. "Uh huh, yeah horrible that thing which happened in Togo.." I wanted the Knowledge package cause National Geographic and the History Channel is there. I don't know why but it fascinates me to see big wild cats catch their prey. But it's actually for the History Channel... sigh I should just rubber stamp my forehead and write "Ross" there. Then there's the Cartoon channel... and when you had a long day and the world is being a bitch..curling up in front of the TV for something nonsensical like Sponge Bob is like free therapy.. well £20.99 per month therapy but still a cost savingexercisee. So what could I do??? But take the whole 6 package! Well the last was Style & Culture and although it shows real crap programs like the latest fashions, it just seems silly to leave it out in the cold on its own..like the kid that always has to warm the bench.

I haven't decided what to do next year and I haven't actually told the Grand that I might be staying. I asked my Dad to tell her but even he was too chicken and it turned into a game of "You tell her, no you tell her. You're like my dad! Well you're the one staying!" Fine, fine, fine. Deal with it myself.

I say I am considering staying but these two new purchases? Well they are contracts for 18 months. Can you have aFreudian shopping spree?