Grilled Teppanyaki

I don't know what to say about you. Normally you don't even enter my thoughts. As soon as you leave my vision of you sorta fade. I forget about you too easily. I often felt really bad about that. Like it was so mean of me and that somehow out of guilt I had to keep you in my mind. But it's dreary and I do it anyway.

I don't know what you are to me. We never talk about anything serious and to be honest those were the few things I liked about you. So the long chat last week in that Japanese restaurant was a shock. We must have looked a sight. I was famished and was busy gobbling down the food and you..well you were trying so hard to talk about serious stuff. I can't help it at times I see your lips moving but I know I'm not listening. Well at least not before the first bowl of rice.

I didn't want all this you know. I never asked you to stick around. I never needed you. I never missed you when you're gone. But you stayed and in this crazy world of mine you found something that kept you in my life. I wish I knew what. But I don't know what to do with it if I knew. I think I am more likely to stop doing what it is that keeps you coming back for more.

Why do you have to talk about the future? I don't even know where I'm going. I did awhile back but I have thrown all that to the winds. Silly notions. Why do you even think that two years from now we would be in each other's lives? Why is it important? Then you said words that did not make sense to me. I think I got a bit taken aback. Not a pretty picture this future you paint. For some reason I was offended, annoyed even. But I had to smile. You never before invoked any emotion worth remembering before this. It was a new experience. I think you expected me to crumple or maybe feel a bit dejected. Maybe in the past I would have done so in pretense just because I knew that's how normal people should act. I think I even cried once and I had to try so hard to think of something sad. It worked. But you see I am not normal, I can play the part well even I know it but I feel things differently. But that night over those tender salmon sashimis I couldn't bring myself to do it. I actually smiled and laughed. God I think I went too far and said something like "Thank you for your honesty, I really appreciate it". The thing is you never got the irony, but I didn't expect you too.

You see I spent time with you because to a certain extent we share the same interests. We burn ourselves at both ends living a life that not a lot of people understand. I love the carefreeness, the indulgence in all things bright and beautiful. To spend carelessly and not have to suffer any repercussions. My respite from the rigidity that surrounds me. If I have no conscience then you have no hesitation. We lived for the present and it suited me fine. But you wanted more than I could ever give. So when it became too frequent I withdrew. I disappeared and you didn't hear from me for days, weeks and even months.

It used to make me feel so guilty. I couldn't understand why you would even want me in your life. So I would be extra nice to you after long periods of absence. Nice enough. And then you had to get all serious like that. After all these years you decide to change a lifelong pattern. Saying all those things. And now... I don't feel guilty anymore. Actually I feel pretty good about myself and somehow I think it perfectly acceptable that I come to terms with the fact that the truth is I am only using you. I am even looking forward to it. I wonder what you're doing this weekend.