Each time it comes around I feel more and more deflated. Each time I compromise I feel as though I am selling a little bit more of myself to the Devil… and perhaps I am. The world waits on your every whim, your vision is the path that a country will follow with blind loyalty. Your wisdom is envied but cherished in the vain hope that you will lead us to a greater tomorrow. Yet amidst all the fanfare and the fake cries of devotions of those that surround you, I lay shattered at your feet. Left to silence and to bade my time.
That is the whole dilemma that I am faced with. The waiting game is a game I know too well, I wear it like a second skin and sometimes I forget that it is an illusion and lose myself in it. Bitterness is an unpleasant pill to continue taking and I am unsure how before I allow anger to win. My life is hard enough for me to live it each day without having to second guess yours.
It is your choice and the rule of the world is that you must lie in the bed you made. Then the world has gone topsy-turvy has it not? For I lay uncomfortably on this bed of thorns you have made without a care in the world. In a parallel universe another ME will lead the life I so yearn for.
Age does not make us any more tolerant. Instead, this injustice rises up inside of my throat and tastes like bile which I yearn to spit out. Yet I am told time and time again to wait and consider the consequences… but you did not extend me the same courtesy.
Just when I thought that we could build this bridge of ours, and that a sad song would remind me of my love to you… you disappoint me again. It’s a game of cat and mouse and I am tired of the proverbial cheese being just a little bit out of my reach. So I have decided on a new strategy.
We will continue this but it is time to disassociate my feelings from this equation. I will play my part and live up to the responsibilities that are asked of me from God and family. I will do it because I am the better person in all of this. But I will never forget this betrayal. I keep trying to paint a happy picture of you filled with all these wonderful qualities that suit my image of you. But enough of life through rose-tinted glasses. That person was long gone. I lost him 18 years ago.
So enough of this sympathy nonsense. After all it is not as though it is something new…
1 comment:
Dearest urbansinner,
Maybe you don't know that many are in awe of you for the way you carry yourself given the circumstances, and the respect and care you give to the people around you, despite their status and character. You don't know that but it's ok. Coz unlike others, your attention is dispersed to those around you, not vexed towards yourself. That's what puts you above the rest - the rich, the powerful, the jaded.
Sometimes when you share your lil stories with people around you, we can only imagine the misery and can only pretend to live through your history.
But the truth is, we all smile in relief, and stay in comfort with the fact that in time, great(er) things will come your way. Your future is promised and blessed with thousands of fortune. Those who are responsible for 'now', will suffer such imaginable pain. But all in due time. A time when it really matters. A time when you have all that is necessary to look down and toy with their lives and feelings, in return. But knowing you and your heart of gold, you'd rather leave it to the hands of God. And we all know, that retribution by Him is something no human being should never, ever mess with.
You're missed and you're loved,
You know who ;)
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