Lately I have found myself having to evaluate certain stances of my life. My pillars which were once solid are fast eroding. But I cannot be blind to those around me. I have to call a spade… well a spade. But in this interim internal turbulence, I find myself wrestling between the reality and wanting to continue to be cloaked in the comforts of a belief that I have held for so long.
I am loyal in nature. I am built and I am well aware of this, to not falter when it comes to things close to heart. But blind loyalty is dangerous. I do not know whether it is synonymous with unconditional love and I fear that it is. I hope against all evidence contrary to them that the two are mutually exclusive and at least in the latter I can find some sort of respite.
In the meantime I rage. There is no other word for it. It is the wanting to tear and growl at the prints and the actions so clearly there for me to swallow. But it is bitter. I feel somewhat in a twilight. I can see the significance of it all and secretly my depraved desire for change is coming true. At what cost though? I do not even know how to quantify.
It is the lack of reasons that cripples my ability to be objective. It is clear cut that the person I idolize should to a certain extent be demonize. I don’t quite know how to deal with it. Can you separate the two? I feel like Luke Skywalker. Or is that simplifying the matter at hand?
In the meantime, this sudden eye-opening has also made me realize the truth of those around me. The fickleness of bonds and the dependence one should always place on oneself. Above others. Blood cannot surely be the only reliant support we have in this world. Then if that is the case surely we are doomed.
I need to believe in a better tomorrow but for now, I am wrapped in fatigue and distrust. I do not appreciate the conditioning and I cannot help my manifested fear. If it gets too much then leave.
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