Everything I Do

You don't get where I am without going to the brink of madness and questioning my very existence. If this was the grand design then why is it at times I feel like that piece of puzzle that just won't fit. Anywhere.

What kind of person does it make you when all you believe to be true becomes a lie? Those you have put up on a pedestal actually stand for nothing. It shakes you. It saddens you and it makes me want to shut off the world.

There are many types of families out there. For all of us. And some though not by blood are thicker than others. But family no matter how strong our bonds are does not in any way determine that what they think as a collective to be right. No that I have to figure out myself...and sadly the realisation that some ties must be severed for all the disappointment they have caused.

I have been trying my hardest or my damnest to live up to the world and it's many expectations. I suppose I am nowhere close to succeeding. But in my journey, I have sought refuge in little places where I can find myself. For that I am thankful.

I would however be lying if I said I found anything in the process beautiful. It seems only dark and dreary. And the reasons we tell ourselves that it is worth it seems so thin and pathetic that at times I have to stop myself from laughing aloud at them. I seem to have retained some manners or at least semblance of it.

The world...or at least my world, has disappointed me. I was just reluctant to admit it. Choosing instead to believe that it is I who have not reached a stage of worthiness. Perhaps that's true too but it does not differ from the other side of the truth that I am disappointed at the world around me too. I had such expectation of it.

And in admitting this, my respect for all the rules I have abide by so fervently to have faded. Perhaps the best way is to accept this and in turn bury whatever so called values or standards we have aspired to keep. It is not a sensible plan but for me the only course of action I believe to be worth my time. But then.......would that make me just like everyone else???