Solitaire

A few years ago I read a blog by a girl who would have been my age now. In her writing I wondered why she sounded so bitter and just angry at the world. I don't know her so I can't claim that I have any inkling as to why. It's just that now that I am older and by no means wiser, I guess I can understand how life has a way of screwing you over.

Your dreams whatever they may be might drive you or at times destroy you. There's this line in Kiplings' poem called 'If' which talks briefly about dreams. Somehow it seems apt. I've always loved that poem when I was younger and thought how incredibly sexist that he thought it only fit for a son.

Then you have your principles. Which changes and gets tested at every bend. Chipped and chipped away until all you have is the core. Your dealbreakers so to speak.

Sometimes your dreams and principles will collide. You will have to decide whether the end justifies the means and you will wrestle with your emotions and your rational thoughts.

So I can get why people get bitter. Why some choices you make hurts you more than others. But some fights are worth it. At least to me anyway. I think there were many of times before I wanted to find someone who would fight for me because I would do the same for them. I'm good at romanticising things and I guess that was one of many instances. But now I realise I have to do it all myself, because I am quite clear of what I want and I guess it is me that has to don the proverbial armour and go into battle. Even if it means sometimes I would be fighting against myself.

I have come to terms with the idea that a white picket fence is not for me. In fact I have relished the mental exercise of axing it. Quite therapeutic. Somehow I always imagined I would live on top of a penthouse or some other high-rise over looking the city or the crashing waves. Grateful for the luxury but recognising that it is not those which hold value. But these are my views, I am sure the rest of the world has a million or more variations to challenge them. Sometimes you get lucky and you find common ground, which push comes to shove... is all I am looking for.

I have been looking inward lately and taking stock of my life. Preparing myself for the risks to be taken and reviewing the decisions I've made. On paper everything looks like it should. But on the inside, I feel somewhat removed from what is quite evidently... my life.