The Many (Be)causes

It's very late. But somewhere in the world it is a decent time to write. Indulge me.

If only it wasn't so preposterous I would have laughed. If only it wasn't so arrogant I would have sympathise. If only it wasn't so off the mark I would have hoped.

But it was. And despite the mixed bag of emotions the strongest current remains the one of disappointment.

Because I fought so many times when I had absolutely no reason to. I swallowed my pride and proved myself over and over again. I pursued. I persevered. I weathered. Because it was worth it.......it felt undoubtedly and unreservedly right. Because it was meant to be. Because it meant everything. It was everything. No buts. No qualifications. No conditions. It won.... every single bloody time.

But as the song goes I guess not all storms can be weathered and the tigers came at night. Yet I stood there until I nearly drowned in the flood so if it is thought that this decision was taken lightly, then walk in my shoes. It looks easy doesn't it? Try it. Because I am so sick of excuses.

I stood perfectly still. Whilst the world around me turns. I wasn't drunk but somehow it feels like the worst hangover ever. Like someone took a pen and decided to record my life but it was such a misrepresentation that I just had to sue the pants off the author.

So don't give me this bullshit. Don't cheapen it anymore then what has been done because I invested in it too and if it really meant that much then don't quantify it because you have to believe that it was worth it. I did. But if it meant nothing send me the amount and I will write a cheque.

Because anyone who thinks life is a game is a moron. This is real. Everything we do have consequences. Even when we do nothing. As for me, I'm just done doing everyone's jobs. It's not fucking hard you know. Really it just pisses me off.

Because I don't see me running to anyone. I don't see me enjoying this predicament. Most of all I don't see me asking for the moon and the stars to begin with. Only the little things of which apparently is too big of a deal. Fair enough.

Because nobody was prouder than me of the initial setup. I had such high hopes and belief that the job would be the catalyst to greater things. I never doubted. I never resented it. And never even in my moments of uncertainty ever wished it didn't happen. That's the bloody irony. That's the injustice... I never questioned the job. Yet again I was charged as though I did do all that.

It's beyond idiotic it's hilarious. Just one last question:

When was I never there?