For Nothing

I don’t know anything true anymore. Maybe I wasn’t as intellectual as I thought. I think it’s dawning on me that perhaps I am the stupidest person in the world.

My heart and my head do not even offer me an explanation. At some point and I don’t know when exactly I lost my way. Just one day I woke up and here I am. And I hate it. And I resent it. And I want it to end.

I take unnecessary chances because I cannot find the courage to do it myself. I don’t have a centre. There is nothing for me to revolve around and no gravitational pull to keep me in check. It’s like limbo. Maybe I did die and this is purgatory for all I know. But don’t send me to the mental institution just yet, I have clarity in thought but that’s just what depresses me even more.

I am keeping these feeling just at bay but these dark thoughts they creep up on you. I know I don’t deserve help and somehow I feel not entitled to feel sorry for myself so I don’t ask for it. So I put on my face and a happy one at that. Because the world loves it if I make them smile. Yet you do know that clowns are often the saddest people. Maybe that’s why their faces are painted the way they are. I can’t do it anymore. I am going to give up my red nose and my water daisy. Maybe someone better should take my place.

All I know is that it’s all for nothing. Cause it’s nothing. And in the end I feel nothing but this abyss. Neverending black hole. I have in me the desire to work hard, to apply myself to my cause but without a purpose I just don’t know what I am running towards. I don’t know what I want waiting for me at the finish line. So all I do is keep running cause they taught you that when you want something bad enough, you need to work hard for it. But it’s not true. Sometimes even if you tried your damnest, it would not be enough. Sometimes you have to admit defeat.

I feel inadequate and incomplete. I know I am undeserving. I realize that. I was just hoping the world wouldn’t find out. I am an idiot. I know my worth now. And frankly it’s nothing to live for.