Eventually I arrived home. It’s not quite wee hours of the morning but after a day of frustrating meetings and your usual pile of paperwork, I am sitting here at 9:30pm on my couch. Showered and still debating the rest of the night. On one hand my phone keeps ringing to attend drinks and on the other hand I am so exhausted I am about to collapse. God I can fall asleep now.Tomorrow promises to be another pain of a day but heck. Roll on the holidays. Bah humbug.
I nearly fell asleep in the shower again. Sometimes I wish I had a swimming pool and I can just float around in it. Lately I have been most concerned about these palpitations I keep having. I don’t think it’s nervousness. It’s not serious. Just a very brief acceleration of my heart which comes and goes every now and then.
My bed has never looked so inviting. Neatly made. The black and white sheets gets me every time. The air conditioning is on at the right temperature and my weary bones ache to slumber away. The last drops of rain still falls outside my window. It’s a pleasant quietness. I think I am content but I sometimes confuse calmness with contentedness. Or even boredom.
Unbeknownst to me, sometime between paragraph 2 and 3 I have changed into my M&Ms pyjamas matched with my elf green ‘I *heart* Legal Aid' t-shirt. I am such a nerd but totally don’t care if people seem to think so.
I have this book that I am trying to finish but I am taking my time since it’s the last book I have unread lying around. I go through them too quickly which is slightly annoying. Well anyway, this book have elements of gayness of the male variety. To be honest I had no clue whatsoever when I bought it but then perhaps my ‘gaydar’ works on many different levels. I have to fine-tune it so that it only picks up gay women but for some reason I seem to have too many gay men in my life so perhaps that has affected it somewhat.
Anyway back to the book, there’s this exchange between the two men which I love and I keep re-reading it over and over again. It’s quite simple but poignant as far as forbidden love goes. It’s at a start of this relationship between this professor and his graduate student. It goes:
“You made the rule yourself, Eric. Can’t spend the night, remember?”
“We have rules?”
“Rules are good. Rules makes me think that this is more real than it is.”
“What do you mean?”
“Something that both of us are too afraid to give a name. A bunch of stolen moments lined up in a row. When this ends, whatever this is, both of us will spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out the kindest way to call it a mistake. It’s not fair on me , when you think about it.
“Why is that?”
“Because I’ll live longer than you.”
“What makes you think that? Because you’re younger, you mean? That’s why you’ll live longer.”
“I guess.”
“Randall, I am asking you to stay.”
“No. I like you better when you don’t get everything you want.”
Like I said it’s not Shakespearean but there is just something about this exchange that I cannot help but revisit. Something real. Maybe that’s what I am after now, something solid. Everything just has a dreamlike quality about it. Like I am here but not really here. I guess that can only makes sense to me and I just don’t have the words to explain how I feel. I would go on but I really need to rest.
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