Mirror

We often hear the phrase ‘life goes on’ usually as a response to a tragedy or a personal setback. Most of the time it is said to draw a line to that little anecdote by the storyteller. Whether it is the erosion of time or the popularity of it, the phrase itself seem to have lost its meaning, its very heart. After all, what does it truly mean? Does it mean we plod on regardless? Do we mean we make the best out of an imperfect situation or does it mean that we simply have no control of our lives and there is no choice but to continue to get up each morning and take a deep breath?

That is the conundrum isn’t it? There is a choice. We could easily have taken the easy way out and ended our stint in life but we chose not to. I believe that it’s mostly to due to fear of our respective religion but I am not one to judge why we do the things we do. All I know is that at times there are some incidents that changes your ‘life’ as you know it. Challenges and tests it to the core of your being and you work out your perimeters over again. You find the depths in which you could sink and the levels you could rise. You find the beauty in the most unlikeliest places and your words...especially your words makes a liar out of you. And no, life does not go on... just like that.

I am trying to be a better person than I have been lately. I know in the back of my mind my heart longs to return abroad. But humans are always thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, that’s what got me into this mess in the first place. It is time to realise and make the best of the situation. Here. In KL. Cause this is where I am now. Try and make it as ‘homely’ as it can be. But I know it’s not going to be easy, there were mistakes that were made and I am going to face them. Even if it kills me. Because in the end pride does not keep you warm and safe in the middle of the night.

I have been in such a hurry to be an adult and when I became one I thought that meant you could never have the luxury or naivety of being a child. Somewhere in between my pursuit of a good career, my own place and a stable relationship, I moved too fast that the world in its lumbering pace could not keep up with me. I guess age does not guarantee wisdom. There is still time for all of that I am sure, but somehow there are things that are more important right now. Like being myself. And not hating myself for it. Being that clown once in awhile who doesn’t take herself so seriously. Leaving the perfectionist locked out for once. Yet at the same time learning to take responsibility and understanding that to have such a thing is a gift and not a burden.

The world is a weird place and sometimes I don’t understand its occupants very well. We all seem to be too wrapped up in our own minds that we don’t seem to find the time for each other. I too have been that selfish and missed out on the joy of letting people in. Somebody famous once said that “there is nothing to fear but fear itself”, I for the life of me can’t remember who said it and for once do not want to Google it. But whoever that Yoda-being was, he or she was right. I have been experimenting last week and doing all the things that I was afraid to do in work and life in general and in all circumstances it turned out to be ok. I guess there is something to be said about charging head on.

I may not be sure who or what I want to end up as but I do know that I want to try and be better than I am now. So that when I am up there in front of the Pearly Gates with Saint Peter by it, I am told I received an A+ for effort, the rest does not quite matter.