Rock Bottom

No more editing. Maybe it's time for the honest truth. Maybe the remedy is not in disguising my hurt but to embrace. Maybe if I see too much of it I will finally get sick of it. I have made my mistakes and in the next moment my apologies, now it really is out of my hands and to just try to make peace with myself. Maybe I am going about this the wrong way. Maybe it is time to take a time out and reflect. My world has been so hectic but that was deliberate cause I thought somehow keeping busy meant going all out. I am tired now and I am not leaving the comfort of home until I reach some sort of calm. But no more editing life, feelings, emotions, thoughts. I have to do this the right way. Deep breath. And begin.....

I am afraid. I am afraid that this state of heart would last a lifetime. I don't want to live a life full of bitterness and pain. I have so much love to give and my humour is what sustains me. I don't want to lose myself but that's what it feels like. Like I am losing myself and that scares me more than having lost her. And that's another thing. That word "lose". The negativity, the competition.... I hate losing. I hate being second best.

A cynical side of me is emerging and I don't like her very much. She propels me to drink too much, party too hard, and tries to make me lose myself even further. She does it out of love too, to protect me so at times I cannot fault her for trying.

Another incredible theory is that because I have nothing else to worry about and that's why I am obsessing. When something becomes your sole focus, it is hard not to go overboard. Maybe there is truth in it. What is there really for me to worry? Work is in abundance but I don't find it hard (at the moment). Money is ready to be spent. Friends I am blessed. It just seems that when one area in my life does not fit the profile and that's what bugs me. Am I perfectionist? Am I a coward? Does this make me less of a person? Does this define me?

I had been doing so well actually. I was laughing a lot more, playing a lot more. And even dreaming a lot more. Then I found out that foundations are sometimes like sandcastles. Can't guess when the tide decides to come in. So now I am barren again. I don't quite understand. Why so quick the downfall? Surely I am suppose to feel just slightly jarred but not have a complete breakdown? I mean it is inevitable no? What did I expect...? Honestly.So this is where I am now... somewhere in the bottom of the sea with crabs. At least I think crabs hang out here. But I think I am going to hang around here for a bit. It's grubby but at least the ground is steady. I think I have to admit to myself, I am just not ready to surface. Yet.