Day Two of Take Two

My legs felt like jelly after the run. Now after a comatose sleep they are lead. The pain. Who in their right mind would do this? But I have already rewarded myself. No gym for a long while man. Long. Bye bye suffering. I have to admit I was pretty chuffed about myself who would have thought I could do it?

I hate waking up. I hurt most when I wake up. Maybe in my sleep I hope that all these turmoil was just a dream and that second of realization is the worst. But you repeat it. Day in and day out because you have to believe that one day you will wake up with a heart that’s whole and full of good things. Or at least I tell myself that to stop myself from crawling back under the covers.

My uncle once told me that I should turn every aversion into strength. All the frustration, anger, hate or whatever negative feeling into your armour and channel it into grit. He used to say “grit your teeth and stand tall”. Maybe along the way I confused that to mean you should shut yourself down and go crazy but then again this is the man who thinks the best way of getting over a break-up is to have many rebounds. So whether I should be taking his advice in the first place is in itself questionable. But perhaps that is the point. That each one of us deal in different ways. So in my clumsy and uncoordinated way I am working out what works and what does not. But the point is this is all about me. So if I stumble it’s my fault entirely and if I succeed then I will give myself a pat in the back.

And what gets me by besides other kind souls is my writing. Incessant, incomprehensible and clunky writings. I write everywhere and anytime. Sometimes I am composing in my head as I drive. It might be juvenile but somehow I find some comfort in seeing things in print.

I am looking forward to my self-imposed exile this weekend. Just me. Although since I devoured the whole series of L word, life has doubly no meaning. I suppose Tudors Season 3 will have to suffice. Oh and my book. I have to stop drinking. It just wastes the whole day after when I am spread out like a starfish promising myself, never again. But that’s the thing about being extreme in nature. All or nothing. Tiring being me. My mind is a lot more active than my body and the permutations and combinations are endless.