Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

In the past few days, I have gone through so many transformations and revelations that it has come to a point that self-discovery is no longer an issue. Despite my very best efforts to stay in my dark dingy corner that would have made Scrooge himself proud, the ghosts of past, present and future came to visit. And boy what a kick in the head each one gave me.

I think it's about time. What I have become and done is a crime against my very own nature. Always dancing or programmed to please everyone but myself. I guess I know the very point when my life was turned upside down. Observe: I was asked by one of the Gods of legal world whether I would like to be involved in a new M&A. When I say asked, I don't think he really thought I would actually deliberate it. I think in his mind it was a given I would say yes. After all, all minions say yes. Appear keen I believe was one of those traits for improving your prospects at work. Well I said no. I told him I was not in the least bit interested. Silence. Then a sudden sputter saying ok that was fine with him. I might have sealed my fate but to be honest I really don't care for it.

It's not that hard work scares me. It doesn't. In fact all these false bravados of those who have apparently given life and soul for a particular project does not impress me. Because at the end of it it's not you who walks away with the prize. It's the man on top who gets it and you end up with a pat on the back. Maybe it's enough for them but no, for me the world is not enough. It needs to excite me. It needs to intrigue. It needs to take hold of me.

Perhaps it is somewhat telling that it is the Jordan Belforts of the world which I hold with such great respect. People who dare. All I know is for all the sins I am guilty of, let it be a consensus that those present around my deathbed will not even dare suggest cowardice as one of them.

There is a difference between need and want... I think in the haziness of life I could not see the difference. Yet now, with the coincidences of events which seems to unfold one by one I think the symmetry and timing is just perfect. It might not suit everyone but frankly I don't give a rat's ass.

But words are cheap. I should know for all the crap I write here. It felt good to shoot into oblivion. I must say handgun practice is a lot funner than clay pigeon shooting and real bullets a lot smaller than I thought. I am admiring the target I brought back and wishing I had taken that chance to just blow his/her/my brains out.