I really should not write anymore. But then again there are many things I should have not done lately which I gleefully undertook. I am glad I did though, I found some solace in the unexpected of places/people. Life is odd like that.
I have been advised to find some serenity and calmness. They don’t understand. I need the drive, the inexplicable rush that comes when excitement sets in. Serenity and calmness are the things I am running away from. Constant freefall is my aim.
I have been searching and searching to define what is me and just when I gave up it hit me like a lorry. Annoying this self-discovery process, it creeps up on you. I have been told not to be too hard on myself for being a fool but everyone knows I am my worst critic. So be it.
Like a L’Oreal advert on repeat, I am told to tell myself I am worth it… repeatedly. This seems slightly egoistic even for someone like me but these are products of good intentions so I am not going to chide them.
What better way to proceed with life than to become your very own social experiment? I am a most willing test subject and the risks involved are mine to contend alone. So set it up, the players and the board, roll the dice and I move.
I need to decide soon but am concerned that the decision should not be influenced by the desire to run away. After all, there is some good (allegedly) in staying put. They say there is no do-over in life but from my experience it’s been dejavu all the way. Maybe like Groundhog Day I am supposed to encourage a particular change. I have an inkling but am delaying taking the plunge.
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The clock showed it wasn’t quite late enough but late enough for dinner I suppose. My concentration was broken by the bellowing of a junior partner preparing to make his exit. Somehow he thought it would be funny to tell me not to worry about the dead as the living are just scarier. Charming.
I plodded along with the joy of drafting and felt slightly annoyed that I have not committed the spelling of “Al-Muntahiah Bit- Tamlink” to memory yet which slowed me down. The office was silent but that would be preferred since I am on my own.
In my mind I am convoluted and before long it became late. I hear scratching coming from the ceiling, faint and far but after awhile seemed as though it came closer. Rats I figured or some perfectly reasonable explanation. Silence once more and the only sounds were the taping on my keyboard.
Suddenly the printer came to life. I got up to check it out but nothing comes up but only some internal whirring noises in it. Again, plausible explanation surely.
My phone rang and I was glad for it.
I decided that enough was enough, things can wait till tomorrow. A bang! It came from the other side of the wide floor. Curiosity was faster than sense and I am striding across to check it out. Just a book which fell from the pile on the desk. Breathe.
Well since I am here I might as well turn off the lights here. I never understood why the light switch for the main section of the floor was situated in the far corner near the store room. When you switch it off you would be in darkness until you make the trek back to the other side of the floor where my room is situated and where the exit is. Better now than never.
Lights off. I walked as quickly as I could to the other side. Wary and aware that the light coming from my room is not bright enough to light my way. Stupid special glass.
Safe in the room. Packed up as quickly as I could. Outside my room I can see only darkness. The document won’t save. No matter, send by email to myself and try saving it again at home. The scratching began again. Now louder. Or is it?
Last light, my room light. Then complete darkness. Ten steps or so to the exit. Don’t think. Just do it.
Lights off. Scratch, scratch.
I’m out and straight into the lift. Down to the dimly lit car park. Slam the door and lock. Where is the guard?
Every night is Halloween.
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