There is no comfort in my predicament. I am too tired to get into the details, or perhaps the reality of it is still sinking in. A non-issue for some? Perhaps. I really don't care. I don't walk their paths.. nor do I even pretend that I do so why do they even bother to try to fit my shoes.
Disbelief turns to anger then into sadness then into humiliation then finally a sense of inadequacy. Acceptance remains missing.
"It's nothing personal.. it's only business"
Well I will make it personal... I think what irks me most is that imbeciles find it acceptable to play God in my life. I made a choice and who would know better than I?
Maybe I am overthinking it, maybe I should be happy anyway... but I dont want to deny myself the satisfaction to curse their stupidity... but the funny thing is... I feel stupid too.
I should go into the mechanics of things and lay out the masterplan so that you can see through my eyes the missing link this misfortune has brought.... but I am just too tired... after all I have been slaving away mindlessly.......
If I sound indignant it's only because I am so broken.... you go through life thinking if you work hard for it...whatever it is..you'll get it... and I always believed that... cause I was never the smartest tool in the box....... never the brilliant one.......what I achieved it's only because I worked the extra hours......... and I cannot help but feel like I don't deserve it....but even that I am doubting.
I've had enough. Trainees do not have targets. But ever since I joined I paced myself against that of associates... 1500 hours per year. For no other reason than to condition myself.... loser that I am.... Last year I clocked 1660hrs at bloody £140 per hour, do the bloody math for fuck's sake.....whilst some of them just cared enough to turn up to do jack. Well maybe they got that right... maybe that's what we all should do...
See if I care enough to give a damm.... cunts.
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