All my bags are packed

I'm celebrating. In the interest of salvaging my flailing healthy eating habits I have abstained from drinking coke (whatever the form: regular, diet, light, zero, vanilla etc) for a whole 10 days. Count em...TEN WHOLE BLOODY DAYS. I don't think my eyes have ever twitched that much. But since it's Christmas I think I should indulge myself. So here I am fingers at the ready to type my life away whilst occasionally nursing my chilled can of diet coke and I swear it has never tasted sweeter than it does now. There is something to this theory of abstaining from something for a period of time so that when you actually have it, the taste..the enjoyment is like a nectar from the Gods. Ok maybe it is worrying that I can dedicate a whole paragraph to this, but then again first love and all eh? Incidentally I have been averaging a bottle of wine per day for the last 10 days ever since this bright idea of mine. Perhaps this plan needs some bit of tweaking? Everything in moderation they say. I get that but it's hard to reconcile that with my all or nothing personality.

I am long overdue in coming up with a post that is so profound that it touches the core of the heart and when you read it again you are transported to that very moment when you first wrote it. Long long overdue and trust me it won't be coming anytime soon. I lost it. The need to be deep and meaningful in every entry, mind you why is it when you are depressed you come out with the best stuff? My thoughts lately are fluid and I cannot pin down any overwhelming emotion. I wonder if that is a good thing or a bad thing. There is a fine line between accepting and building walls, I am not wise enough to tell them apart.

My nights seem to end with me spending at least a good hour on the couch. I could be back at 9, 12 or even 5 and I find myself parked on the couch before I allow myself the luxury of sleep. And you know at those odd times there are only weird things on....like South Park. Now I used to hate this show. With a vengeance. But strangely enough lately I find myself identifying with the issue and also with the message. I remember thinking last night how profound this show is. I think I should stop watching it now. I am getting scared.

I'm all Christmas-ed out. I think I overcelebrated it and now I am tired of it. Like all good things they have to come to an end. My thoughts are brought back to Friday night over a beautiful dinner prepared by Funghi, the combination of red and mulled wine and eventually champagne naturally was a recipe for disaster. In vino veritas and there we were the four of us with our crown party hats... writing our dreams on them. Funghi's read "Rich but Lonely"; Sal's "Rich and Gorgeous"; Fiorentina's " Rich but simply Cool" and of course mine the classic... "Rich & Famous". It is not my nature to copy but whilst I laughed at Funghi's ambition inside I can understand it. There is something incredibly romantic to have everything money can buy but still be lonely. I must stop liking this whole picture of the tortured soul but there is so much substance in it.

This year is about to come to an end and I thought I would be glad but in some ways I am quite sad to see it go. It's like having a real strict teacher who you despised but underneath that hard exterior you know she's only doing it for your own good. So when you walk that stage to get your scroll, you knew to a certain extent you are doing so on her behalf. If I could do it again I wouldn't but I believe I am better for it for doing so.

Sum it up in one word? Trying. But I am leaving it with a new sense of hope, of a brighter tomorrow. Rushing against time to find whatever I am looking for. If there's anything I've learnt, is that sometimes you have to unlearn things before you can truly grow. I won't make a list of resolutions, because I'll just break them. There are things to do, and dreams to live so enough of this...enough now.