Addicted to Life

I should really refuse. But like every addict I feel its call much too greatly and answer much too willingly. I find comfort in its numbness. The beating of the heart slows to a pace and I tap my feet to the beat. Call it what you will, it with its array names.. but they are different tags for the same thing... destruction. I've been told that it destroys your brain cells or whatever other scientific reason people spout out nowadays. I suspect there must be more than a grain of truth in their endless sermons. But I am not a believer.

I sit here as I write this entry in a room full of accountants, tapping their way in and out of existence. I should be working but my mind has been so battered lately that a temporary respite is needed before it explodes. Anyway I am at work, therefore my choice in therapy is limited. Yet I digress again, I was about to expound on my addiction and in that process encourage denial.

I do not know if the fact I find no need to justify what I do is a positive attribute or not. Is there stages of addiction or are addicts all confined to the same level? I think not, like all things in this world there must be a hierachy to which we aspire to climb in order to make ourselves feel better and in the process we find it acceptable to step on those beneath us. Yes I know, you do it too.

So where do I rank in this delusional strata? Somewhere above average but not quite near the top I suspect. Yet I do not aspire to be the leader of this pack. No, save it for someone who really cares. It is just another temporary diversion I am indulging in. I will soon tire of it and move on to something else that will feed my restless soul.

Even with the best intentions my writings always in the end become dark and almost morose. Perhaps upbeatness does not interest me that much, after all it is the face of happiness I wear each day so why would I want to continue the facade? Ah but writing, it frees us doesn't it? Allows us our imaginary audience and somewhere in the back of our mind we convince ourselves that someone actually cares. Of all the hypocrisies, self-hypocrisy is still the best.

Just call me Al, it's just as true as all the other names I have. Absolut.