On My Sleeve

They say that time has a habit of erasing the negative parts of our experience. After all time makes us forgive and thankfully even forget. But what time does for me is it refocuses what I remember and experienced and puts a different spin to things. But I have no wish in rewriting history. Some doors are better left closed less we lose more than ourselves than we already have.

Today, figuratively speaking, sees me with a greater understanding. Of the cycle and of the people who have kindly decided to walk alongside me. I am eternally grateful even if social conventions and my own built-in DNA prevents me from outwardly showing my gratitude. I see it and I am in my own warped way thanking them for it.

After the dust has settled and things returned to where they originally belonged I wonder whether the sweet calm serenity may be the path to be chosen after having chaos thrust upon me. Loyalty and the unwavering trust such as between a captain and his soldiers are all traits that appeal to me. The strength in perseverance and the ability to withstand the onslaught. Steadfast.

I get carried away with unbridled excitement. But passion in its intoxication, when stripped bare is exactly that – toxic. There must be a gradual maturing to different planes of relations. To sustain differing personalities. I wonder if it is too soon and contemplate whether in my broken state if I should even consider. Unbecoming to my nature I have taken pause and chosen to find some solace… well in solace itself.  The wait is almost obligatory and I conspire with my own fate to postpone the inevitability. I am lucky I know. But luck had nothing to do with it. It was just a normal day when I chose to walk a certain path.

But I feel somewhat richer in thoughts and understanding. Perhaps this is where all roads try to lead. A deeper sense of knowing. I think I can safely say that what I have is entirely mine without the need of possession.

The conduct of others I observe with muted silence and try as I might, I cannot emulate happiness if at this point of time I feel not quite ready for it. There a few more hurdles I need to cross before I am fully healed. But there is a startling beauty in sadness, so poignant that it compels me to do its bidding.. for now. So that I may appreciate, its flashier and more gregarious other half.