Waiting to Exhale

The difficult thing about self-resolution is keeping them. Especially the ones you make to you, yourself alone. Maybe it's the lack of rebuke if you break them, but there is not much consequences of breaking such self-resolutions.

I have been trying to keep mine recently and have failed at every turn. I don't quite know why when I have all the reasons I need to hold steadfast. I guess I am hoping that my fears are unfounded but lately I find myself losing more and more interest in the whole thing.

We are all conditioned. We adapt. Present us with the same treatment again and again, we then begin to feel that this is normal. I resent that but I cannot deny it works.

Last night my mind drifted away as I drove home. I cannot always be in this fallback position. I suppose if I was a man I would feel emasculated but since I am not, I do not know the equivalent.

I find comfort in silence. The sound of the music drowns out the uneasiness of facing tomorrow. I may not know what I want but I can recognise what I do not want.

Is this unhappiness? Or merely a product of too much time? But does the distinction matter when the solution is the same?

Maybe what irks me the most is this: I shouldn't have to ask to begin with.