Again

She drove almost in a trance to that all so familiar place. It has been more than a year since she set foot in that cemetery but time has not numbed the feelings she felt from the first time she had to make the trip. Grief, just pure sadness only now it feels so distant. She cannot help but feel ashamed that she had let life get in the way of what she lost. But then again another part of her does not believe that there is anything but a rotting shell under all that pile of soil. Yet it felt apt to come here to grief.

She doesn’t know why today of all days she has decided to come here. It is early and the city is yet to awaken. She only just noticed that today was Friday the 13th but she has long given up on superstition. In fact she had long given up on a lot of things the day she buried her true love. Cruel that she should remain when for all intents of purposes her reason for living is now dead. But she does not share these thoughts with anyone. Not because she is embarrassed but she truly doesn’t know if she could contain her anger if anyone would say to her something to that effect that life goes on.

She wondered how it had come to this. They were perfect together and somehow their flaws and strengths complimented each other. Maybe there was just too much love and it just combust. She should forgive herself for having that argument but she just can’t seem to shake it off. It was a lot easier forgiving her lover.

She stood there clearing the plot, putting the flowers she picked from her house. Orchids of all things but those were the only ones growing around her house and somehow going to the florist felt crude. She had her conversation with her dearly departed and told her love mundane things of her life. Mostly she apologized for being weak and not wanting to get on with her life. She used to come here late at night, which was quite morbid so in the grand scheme of things perhaps a 7am visit was an improvement.

Two hours passed just like that and she knew it was time to rejoin the land of the living. She didn’t see the point. People think that she is feeling sorry for herself but truly she doesn’t feel that way. She just understands that the best part of her life is lived and the rest is just mediocrity spanning for years. But she doesn’t offer this revelation to anyone because in spite of what happened she has retained a little sense of arrogance in that she cannot possibly fathom a mind that can truly comprehend her like her lover could.

She mused how people seemed to perceive her as cold and distant. She grit her teeth and cringed for a brief second. She wished she could believably defend herself against these accusations but they are absolutely right. She just has nothing else to give, whatever compassion and warmth she had laid buried in the ground alongside the remains of her better half. The world will just have to bear with it.

She closes her eyes and imagined their last kiss. Then she knelt down and brought her palm to her lips before touching the ground. It was time to leave again but she knew she would be back.