Just me

I have refrained from using this template for my musings due to various reasons. Some sensible but mostly out of necessity of self-preservation. I am not ending this only out of love for the past but just how long that can sustain this I do not have a clue.

I came back after a journey to an unexpected destination. Unexpected only because I have been putting it off for years thinking it is one of the promises that one does not have to fulfill. Another little white lie to add to my collection. But it must have been the best thing I have done for such a long time.

The problem in going home is that I am too close to the whole thing that I cannot see the big picture. The problem in being here is I am too hectic to have a chance to see the big picture. I needed to clear these cobwebs and start anew. Don't you think that sometimes you feel weighed down by so much baggage you have collected that it manifests itself in your heavy steps? That is me pegged down.

I do not profess to have managed to throw away every pain and worry that creases my forehead... but it is a start. All this time I was so resentful at everyone and everything that has forced me to change the way I am that I have rebelled so strongly against it. I wasn't always successful but it was a point I needed to make out of fear that the core of me would be obliterated along with it. But the fire that makes you who you are can never be extinguish. I learnt that now. In my haste to reach the finishing line I ignored everything. When change can only be a good thing.

I wish I had in me to write every moment which brought upon this feeling, but it was a series of lightning bolts that came in quick succession that I am still reeling from the force.

I live my own life here. But my trade-off is that unconditional support you receive from those close to you...sometimes family and sometimes friends you meet briefly but you keep forevermore. Oh sure we of the independent kind do not need the words of encouragement to succeed..or so we tell ourselves...and brick by brick we build a wall to hold ourselves in. Our own foundation. So it was undeniably nice (for lack of a better word) to be told constantly that you are wiser and better than you thought you were. Cause even if you weren't, you'd want to at least try wouldn't you?

So that's it in a nutshell. Not a great revelation but enough to want me to make changes to those I keep as company. To want to park the selfish and arrogant ones on a shelf. To rediscover things I thought I have lost.

I cannot help but feel I am truly blessed by this insight. That is not all I've learnt but that will have to wait till next time. They say it is not the destination but the journey that matters, I think I got it now.