One Rainy Sunday

It was a dark and cloudy morning... now the rain has come and I can hear the traffic slushing through the streets of Paddington. Woke up much too early for a Sunday but no matter there are things that need to be done and I like nothing better than to curl up in the middle of the afternoon anyway.

The distant rumble of thunder breaks the silence these walls offer. Rain and thunder always reminds me of home. Transports me back to my old room with the dark maroon curtains and me lying on my single bed daydreaming of life. My old posters adorn my walls... The Lost Boys..Much Ado About Nothing... all the things I thought were cool at the time. Most of the times the radio would be blaring at full blast that the house has given up knocking on my door and have sadly resorted to slipping paper underneath my door and waving it frantically to get my attention. I didn't think of much then... homework was not really compulsory..there were other things to think about... like girls.

I'm trying to ascertain when exactly I became girl-crazy and I think it was from 10 or 11 years old onwards...sigh.. the pleasure and bane of my life in equal measures. It makes me laugh when I think of the time when I use to rehearse my facial expressions to see which look suits... yes like Derek Zoolander I thought I found my own Magnum in my half-smile grin. I think I still do it out of habit but you know when something looks good in the 90s... doesn't necessarily mean the 21st Century is going to embrace it. I get by I suppose.

I remember being really happy though. I didn't have much then and wanted everything real bad but it was enough. Not to say I have everything now but it is a marked contrast from then but I cannot emulate the same feeling of satisfaction. I suppose ignorance is bliss. I wonder whether life is a full circle or whether it's a linear path that we go through.

I was always the rebellious one. Or as my mum use to say so often, sometimes she finds it odd that the boys are so like girls that they like to stay at home whilst I am out frolicking till the early morning. I tried to tell her it really wasn't my fault that I am popular. She didn't buy it.

But say what you will about my haphazard nature and unfulfilled ambitions or perhaps my dubious nature..I have always known that I have such a large capacity to love. It is what drives me and scares me at the same time. I never can tell whether it was a weakness or a strength but for a long time I always thought it was the former. But you can never fight nor change your very nature can you? Try as you might to be a different person... go to any lengths.. change your settings..change your company.. change the clothes...there are things that remain so much of your very being that to deny it would be just so wrong.

I think I might tip-toe a bit for the time being just until I get comfortable in my own skin but isn't life bloody wonderful when you've finally made a decision?