Rules of Engagement

Once upon a time in what seems like a completely different lifetime I was a child who learnt the most important lesson that I will forever carry in these dark corridors of my mind. I was young... not too young to fully understand but old enough to comprehend loss. Everyone thought we were too young to understand what was going on, so in ignorance of our comprehension loose tongues reveals all. Funny... I can't help but feel like an exotic animal in a cage in some mad circus and all these people coming in to stare in awe. People get divorced, that's all and it might be the norm now, back then it was not yet vogue.

So there I was in another family gathering where we would open our doors to insincere relatives and so-called friends who were only there to gather the latest gossip. Again it was not the age of technology so going straight to the horse's mouth was still the only way to be in the know.

Amidst this collection of fraudsters I sat looking and taking in the sight before me. My brothers had a different corner to guard and I was comfortable with mine. Then he came to me. A man I don't know whether relative or acquaintances to the family approached. But if we are all honest what does it matter anyway? Strip away our skin and we are all flesh and bones. He came to me with a look of resigned acceptance. As if life had taken its toll upon him and he was ready for the grave but to his annoyance he is forced to trudge through each day. He approach me with the awkwardness of those who are childless or convinces themselves that they are. I caught his eye. I don't know whether he felt obliged to offer some sort comfort or whether there was some repressed malice behind it but his words though questionably sincere or not remains fresh in my ears. And now years after that day when his face has become but a blur and I wonder lazily whether he is even amongst us, I still remember the conviction and the matter of fact way he said it. He said "Don't be sad about all this. Just learn from it. Never get too close to anyone. Everyone always leaves".

So I didn't. That was the rule. Never get too close. Never get hurt. It's just so simple. And where the few occasions I let my guard down I now know that it was moments of weakness. Cause everyone does leave. Lovers , friends, family. What does it matter? They are all the same.

Ah but the first two are easy to live by. But family is something different isn't it? Try as you might it strikes straight to the core of you and like an untamed lion I can feel the beginnings of a growl at the back of my throat when they are in anyway threatened. And this night was full of revelations. Of those we trusted hurting the ones I care dearly about. And for what??? Commerce???? The vulgarity of it all is appalling. I ache that I am here helpless to do anything so far away and wishing I knew what I should be doing anyway. For now I can offer only my counsel as limited as it is without the aid of presence or feel of the matter. It is but a beggar's offer I know, and I am ashamed of myself.

Well you know what this leads to don't you? The all pressing dilemma to either stay or go back. I am torn apart between wants. It is a falsification to believe that staying is my desire and going back is out of responsibility. There are things which I long to do at home too. But this I will keep to myself until I know for a fact that I have the courage to go through it. There's just so much to do at home and I have little to no control over it. But here, I shape my own life and everyday I wake up I am at peace. But as it is everything is on this delicate balance and the only way to tip it over is my choice. I just wished that the cosmos would give me a sign.

The world seemed a bigger place when you were a kid. When I was about ten I would constantly look up at the stars and wonder as silly little kids do whether there was someone else out there who is going through the same thing as I am. I wondered if I would ever find someone who would understand me wholeheartedly and help me be stronger than I am feeling right that moment. Tonight I am ten all over again. Looking at the stars and wondering the same thing. The only difference is I am now in London. Could it be in this grand design which is unknown to us that in some parallel universe time has yet to catch up and that 10 year old me is out there doing the same thing again?

I think the more rational explanation is I must certainly be losing my mind. Everyday I get wound up over petty things, but I forget that there are bigger things to cast my net over and I can't keep running away from it. But how do I deal with it when my biggest defence all this while was never to let anyone get too close to me. Now I wonder in all honesty whether anyone really knows me at all?

There is no thread to my thinking tonight and whilst I am not unhappy, my mind is reeling from information overload. I should try and aim for slumber but I know it will be a restless night. Perhaps it is just as well. Good night, good luck.