Darling Buds of May (long overdue)

I wrote this awhile back on 14 May 2006...God knows why it remains unposted. The dilemma remains.

It's amazing how as you grow a older each day you lose that innocent invincibility that has long been your defence against the harsh trappings of life. You dream a little less, you hope a little less and the sad truth of it you settle more easily. Whilst once upon a time you had the courage to believe that you, all alone had the ability to change the world in some way that really matters. Now you're just praying that the world will be gentle in its dealings with you.

A while back when I was still safe in my own backyard, I thought that at this age I would have achieved something worthwhile. Perhaps my young mind then could not see anything behind the obvious monetary success but I thought then that my life would be more or less sorted by 25. I would have a game plan by then.

But where you are at 15 and 25 and eventually 35 and so forth is never the same. Your needs, wants, emotions, beliefs and hopes are never stagnant. No, comfort does not come under the guise of familiarity. How do I explain this in simple terms... this inner conflict.. this turning point I am trying so hard to swallow.

Who am I kidding? The thought of finally settling back home fills me with such apprehension. Home..now that's an overstatement if there was one. How long has it been since I last been back and let myself actually take root? 7 or 8? I've lost count. The holidays were always delusions that I was a part of a life I left behind... loved ones who were kind enough to let me back once again into the fold knowing that I will once again follow my restless mind. Yet where I am now cannot be called home either, it is merely a stopover. Where do I belong? Constantly in this departure lounge... I don't even know whether I'm coming or going. Or where I actually want to be.