Eyes wide shut

I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself today. I am so exhausted. It's hard learning things from scratch again when you're so comfortable in your old place. But I must say I am fitting in nicely. It's just the pressure. I do this every time so what else is new.

Today a bus crashed into the building opposite my office. How surreal is that? We had first class seats on the fourth floor as we watched the police, paramedics and firemen cut the driver out of the wreckage. You would think that facing outside at the scene before me it would have been difficult to concentrate. Five minutes later we were back to our respective agreements. Commerce stops for no one apparently. That's what scares me actually... that nothing is shocking enough to wake us up from our own twisted realities.

Sometimes I wonder why I choose to do the things I do. I see the pattern of my choices. Always wanting the hard way, the road less traveled etc. But I think I am beginning to lose the plot. Am I doing it just because I need to prove a point? Or is there a good reason for doing so. Where do you draw the line between ambition and plain overreaching. I am starting to think I should try and make things easier for myself. After all what is there left to prove. My point is made (8 years is enough to achieve that) and I cannot keep compensating for those who fear the vividness of their own dreams or ambitions. I think it's time to learn that it is not my burden to prove that hopes and dreams are weapons not crutches in life. So I'll leave preaching to those more qualified and perhaps it's time for me to learn to be comfortable in my own skin.

"And if I retreat it is not for the sake of defeat, merely to entreat you
into my world.. a dreamer's world. Then perhaps you might live every moment
within each heartbeat. Choose as you will as I've chosen mine. There is no past or future only the present. What is real, is the abandonment of consequences. What would you do if there are just no repercussions? If it then differs with the path you walk now then how can you argue that you are master of your own destiny? I am not a slave to fate but the architect of my own success albeit it might be disguised in the cloak of destruction. Pass no judgment as I press on. There is only choices and I will make mine unhesitatingly and in my bed of thorns lie comfortably amongst the roses. Now Sleep...."